Autumn? Don’t Get Me Started!
Derek is an elderly gentleman, having a little rant.
(2-3 minutes)
Don’t talk to me about autumn. Yes, it’s all very pretty – if you like that kind of thing but think about it; those pretty leaves are actually lulling you into a false sense of security. They’re a nightmare! One minute they’re waving at you from a tree, saying ‘look at me, look at me! I’m so beautiful!’ and the next minute, they’re all over the pavement, laying traps, decomposing, turning paths into massive slimy hazards, where – if you’re not careful – you end up on your backside, probably lying in dog dirt (because nobody picks it up these days) nursing a broken limb or two.
And where are the council? Busy spending money on public transport, education and social welfare, when they could be spending it on cleaning up the pavements.
No, autumn isn’t pretty.
And then there’s that Halloween. Pumpkins with ugly faces all over the place, staring at you out of windows, as if everywhere you go, you’re in some kind of hideous house of horror … and kids knocking on your door threatening you with filthy pranks if you don’t give them a treat?
Should be illegal, but oh no … there’s money to be made in bullying and intimidation, so let the menace continue! (I lost an entire packet of Werther’s originals just to stop my front door getting egged?)
We didn’t have none of that when I was a kid. No we had fireworks in the back garden, and we used sit on street corners asking strangers for a penny for the guy.
Innocent fun.
Nowadays, kids can’t even buy fireworks and it’s all public displays and keep your distance. A few bangers never hurt no one. Honestly, priorities are up the spout.
And as if all that isn’t enough, what’s going on with the clocks? Forward? Backward? I don’t know. Can’t keep up. You don’t mess with time … time is sacred … you don’t know where you’ll end up, fiddling with time. Days are short enough without time bandits shoving their noses in, depriving you of a lie in when you’ve been up all night sweeping leaves…
What’s that? … You get an extra hour in bed? Why didn’t anyone tell me?
Nah … I don’t know what the fek’s going on.
And don’t even get me started about winter…
© Wendy Storer 2020